As The Year Ends, Considering “Forgiveness: The Gift We Give Ourselves”

This has been as Humpty Dumpty a year as I can remember, except for the year, 1998, I lost my eyesight. In the midst of one upheaval after another, few of them yet to show much in the way of a positive “we’re moving onward and upward” momentum, I was pleased an opportunity came my way to use one of my greatest strengths; adeptness at managing the process of forgiveness. By writing a semi-regular column on the topic for Frederick’s Child Magazine, I discovered I could put pen to paper, so to speak, to make good use, for others, from some of what I've gained in this area, both personally and professionally, in my close to forty-five years in the mental health field, as a psychotherapist and as an educator.

I hope you can take some inspiration from my words. There are so many upsets and troubles facing us from almost everywhere these days that it seems appropriate at this year’s ending to remind ourselves that no matter the loss, grievance or disappointment, in being our human best, we must make room in our hearts for compassion – and – forgiveness, if we are to wipe the slate clean as we head into a new year of possibilities to come. This is the heart of resilience, one of humanity’s greatest potentialities and our pathway to lifting the human spirit.

“Forgiveness: The Gift We Give Ourselves”
(Link from cover to "The Importance of Forgiveness" or go to page 18)

By Anastasia Rosen-Jones as published in …

Frederick’s Child Magazine (link from cover to "The Importance of Forgiveness" or go to page 18)
December/January 2018

Courtesy of Frederick’s Child Magazine 

The holiday season naturally turns the mind and heart to celebration. Along with this, there is sometimes poignancy; an unmet yearning dashed. We sense regret when we are reminded of losses of the year passing, opportunities unrealized. Disappointments, such as a career promotion that passed us by or a college admission to a choice university a graduating senior son or daughter may not have been granted. 

The holiday season brings a time of reflection. This is human nature, if we are attuned to our inner selves.

Big losses or disappointment and small ones come to mind, as we rev up for the joy and frivolity of the holiday season. By the time gifts and wrapping paper have been put away, overstuffed bellies and the pounds gained from sugar sprinkled cookies, rum fruited cakes and egg nog accumulated, we turn our thoughts to the coming new year. Hearts and minds, boosted by good intentions, we can’t help but take a glance or two back at what has been. 

As Christmas/Chanukah/the Haj and the Winter Solstice make way for the New Year, people consider how to better themselves. This too is human nature. The notion of forgiveness slips naturally into this contemplation. With these natural rhythms, the holiday season becomes an ideal time to introduce children to the notion of forgiveness, with its accompanying letting go of that which did not come to fruition. 

But what is forgiveness? And how does it operate?

I think of forgiveness as a gift each of us gives ourselves. In gifting ourselves, we also provide a caring gift to another; a gift that does not stop giving, as forgiveness opens the door to almost endless opportunities, unforeseen. The action of forgiving, not only enables us to acquire resilience, but allows us to accept what isn’t. Taking this route, we find ourselves, instead of mired in disappointments, resentments and depression, rising above these. 

Forgiveness can be thought of as an action; the act of coming to terms with a loss or disappointment, allowing us to place it in an appropriate perspective; a new positioning that brings unexpected rewards.  

As an action or series of actions, the work of forgiveness is akin to working through the cycles of grief. Thus forgiveness becomes a process not an event. We take responsibility to move through the denial or minimizing of our loss or disappointment, find ways to move through anger, resentment, despair or hopelessness, coming to a stage of accepting.

Working through emotions called up by a need for forgiving can be a lengthy process, depending upon the impact and significance of a disappointment, a loss or, in some cases a betrayal. 

One of the most touching acts of forgiveness I heard of recently had to do with the death of nine year old Cecilia Kathryn "Lily Kate" Powell of Lawrenceville, Georgia. 

Lily Kate, as she was called, passed away as the result of an auto accident. The driver, whose trailer plowed into Lily Kate’s mother, Jennifer’s vehicle, was charged with second degree vehicular homicide. In Love Like Lily: A Story Of Forgiveness, Lily’s family is described this way –

“Amid a family’s mourning, they learn how to forgive the man who caused their daughter’s unexpected and sudden death.”

In an equally dramatic story, the parents of Ashanti Billie whose dead body was found behind a church in Charlotte, North Carolina, have started the Ashanti Foundation with the goal of offering a scholarship to a deserving, graduating student.

These displays demonstrate heroism, demanding strength and determination, to reverse untenable circumstances. They exemplify that which parents can do best -- teach forgiveness, by example. Parental role modeling has to be number one; not only as a concept, but, more importantly, as a demonstration of what to do to move through disappointment, loss, resentment and anger. 

In contrast not forgiving brings with it broken relationships, aborted opportunities for healthy growth and development, blocked physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.  In addition to role modeling, other ways parents can assist children in developing healthy forgiveness skills are:

• Guiding children to other role models such as faith leaders;
• Talking to children about ethics;
• If children feel/think they have been injured by others, helping them  find positive ways to discuss this and heal and/or problem solve;
• Helping children to grow from such circumstances and find peace within themselves.

In these ways we foster the healthiest of growth and learning in our children. 

The first important step of the forgiveness process is to resolve to do it! Next, we can then learn the skills of the “how to.”

Anastasia Rosen-Jones, a retired psychotherapist, is the Executive Director of the New Horizons Support Network, Inc, a non-profit organization, sponsoring the Small “Zones Of Peace” Project. Ms. Rosen-Jones specializes in community development and violence prevention training. Read her bio here.